It's the screaming......

.......when you've fed, winded, changed them, there's nothing wrong but still with the screaming, and of course neither of you can tell the other what's wrong. Then he's an angel when other people are up, and tell you how lucky you are. Then when you point out he's not the best when youre alone you're told " ah sure everyone feels like its like that when they're alone, you're really lucky though he's so good"! It's all that that makes a normal day a shit day.

Lesson of the day!

Always make sure your sons tackle is pointing down when you change their nappy, otherwise you will get peed on!

Nice.....

So I'm bottle feeding and expressing too. I would have loved to breast feed exclusively but down to health issues I can't. So I'm attaching mysel to my "milker" oooppppsss pump 4-5 times a day. Today I was out shopping so only got to do it this morning and then this evening. The husband pointed out that I'd managed to leak through my bra , my padded bra! What was worse I brushed him off with a flippant "oh no that's grand, it's sweat...". Jesus I don't know what was worse, the fact I was fine with sweating like a pig or the fact he was so nonchalant about the huge breast milk stain.

Do your research.

So sitting here with a baby shape snuggled peacefully to my chest, looking like one of those glowing fake mothers in the hospital book. You probably wouldn't believe that yesterday afternoon I was a snivelling mess. I just wanted N to stop crying, actually I just wanted not to be in the same room or house as N. I wanted someone to take him and tell me I wasn't useless, this wasn't something I could control. I also fleeting thought of adoption, but unfortunately the husband said no, no family wants a snivelling leaking 33 year old.
I can completely understand why people have to walk away from their screaming child, and that scares me.
I'm scared I'm not maternal enough, I'm scared I'm not keeping N happy, I'm scared I'm not stimulating him enough. I'm also scared someone else would do a better job then I can. Turns out perfectionists make scared mothers, I'm a big believer in lists and research, so before I do anything I research it to the nth degree, so I know what I'm getting into. Unfortunately all the books and lists in the world do not help soothe a crying baby.

The Begining.......

No one warns you how hard it is those first few weeks after having a baby, oh they warn you, but they don't WARN you. Every warning handed out is softened with a "oh but it's all worth it", it is not worth it in the middle of a hot July night, when you wake up thinking "am I leaking again, or just sweating?".
N is 4 weeks old now and it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Everytime I think I've got some baby related task down pat, he decides to shake it up again, just to keep me on my toes! Every feed is a battle, every winding is a war, every nappy change is a wrestling match.
Thankfully I have a lot of support, my family are quite close and pop up nearly everyday to offer to mind N while I grab a nap, unfortunately my brain will not cooperate and turn off. Right now my husband has N out for a walk, just to give me a break, today has been a tough one, hopefully he comes back asleep, is it wrong to wish for that?