Solids..

We're on solids for the last 2 weeks. N loves them! We've tried baby rice, banana cereal and creamy porridge. He's really thriving now 4 bottles and 2 feeds a day and back to sleeping mostly through the night.
We've mastered tummy time and he was given a big thumbs up from the physio for his head control and neck movement.
I'm starting to introduce veg next week, I cant wait to see how he reacts to them.
I on the other hand have started kettlebells 2-3 times a week, I love the time to myself and I really want to shift the weight.

Big boy.

A big boy needs a big boy cot! We've moved N into his cot in our room, he was getting too big for the crib and sticking his hands out the sides. He looks so tiny in it, but he loves it, and it feels so much more comfortable then the crib.

We've also hit the teething mark, lots of hand chewing, dribbling and sticking his hand so far down his throat he makes himself puke, it has been joked since he's only 3ish months and is too big for penneys 3-6 month clothes that N maybe airing his bulimic demons.

I think I'm going to give up the pumping, it's just getting soul destroying, I feel like a zombie most days and having to stay up as late as I can to get good output is just tiring.  Since we'll be introducing solids in 2 weeks  I don't think I'll be ale to pump and purée at the same time, it just feels natural to hang up the pump.

17 weeks! I honestly don't know where the time has gone, it just feels like yesterday I stumbled in hungover to take a test, I had no inkling I was pregnant and of course when the line appeared I mentally started admonishing myself for being out the night before, but how could I have known.

I will remember the  21st of November 2011 as one of the best days of my life!

Development

Nates antibiotic seems to have cleared up the infection. We had our 11 week check-up (had an 11 week check-up, down to the Dr. thinking N's head was too large) and this Dr. (we have a new one at every visit) was actually the Dr. who discharged N from hospital said his head was absolutely fine. She couldn't understand why we were brought back.....bbbbuuuuttttt.... She would like to see us again in 2 months as N was being particularly stubborn that day and he refused to lift his head when placed on his belly. He did a spectacular show of lying there screaming, and when the didn't get him picked up he decided to attempt to suffocate himself. God job son! I knew I could count on you!

The first A&E visit.

Everything has been going fantastic! N is sleeping on average from 10 till 7 every night. He doesn't sleep during the day, he prefers catnaps! We noticed when he was born he might have a tight foreskin, but we were assured it was ok, it seems to have caused an infection :(
He's on an antibiotic and a painkiller to help, but of course these have given him cramps and diarrhoea and all he wants is cuddles and love. Hopefully it will clear up soon and we will have our bright little man back. A&E was surprisingly easy quick and nice, as he was so young they looked at him ASAP, they eassured me that I was right to bring him in and had caught him on the brink of the infection, so it should clear quickly. I was also told in the hospital that N is teething, at 8 weeks, so scary and way too fast. my little man is now 10 weeks and has lost his little newborn look and you can see the boy he will become. I wish I could just freeze some moments in time.

I am a new person!

I actually got my hair cut and coloured, it's light, shiny and swishy! N is also sleeping every night and has started cooing and giggling. He is turning into an amazing little man.
We've gone to 2 baby massage classes, they are fabulous for calming him down and his colicky tendencies are slowly disappearing. He is an absolute devil for fighting sleep during the day, but if that means he will sleep at night, well that's a trade off I'm willing to take.
Kettlebells was fun last week, having an hour or so to myself was really nice, and I missed actually doing proper exercise while pregnant.
I'm considering making a complaint about the way my delivery was handled, I'm going to talk to my GP this week, the more people who hear the story, the more I'm convinced myself and Nate are lucky to be here.

The breakthrough

I have no idea how we've done it, in fairness I think N did it all himself, but he's sleeping from around 11/12 to 6/7. It's an absolute revelation, I feel human again, doing the dishes doesn't make me cry anymore, the thought of physical movement doesn't scare me and the blinding headaches are now few and far apart.
I've joined a baby massage class, I'm starting a kettlebells class next week and I'm actually going out and getting my hair done next week.
It's also my birthday tomorrow, it really doesn't feel like it, it's a non-birthday though, I really don't feel like doing anything.

The worry, the guilt.

N has a little issue that needs to be monitored by the hospital. Nothing major, we just need appointments every 6 months to "see how it gets on....".  Hospitals are horrible places, children's hospitals are just awful. It's heartbreaking seeing teeny tiny people with problems only  adults should have, they can't understand what's wrong with them and can't tell anyone what's wrong.
When there's anything wrong with your child the worry and guilt it can conjure up is unreal. I had a short cord which caused N to be stuck in one position and that caused the problem. So of course I feel guilty about that, guilty that I didn't happen to notice what every medical professional had already missed. The guilt is coupled with the worry, worrying that it will hinder his eating and speech development, it took us 2 days to get him to feed from a bottle, don't even ask about breastfeeding (that's a whole other post). It doesn't make it any better that no one can answer our questions, it's all a question of wait and see, so well just wait patiently with our fingers crossed.

Bliss!!!!

2 nights of sleeping 11-7:30am, absolute bliss. Only problem with this development is the fact we can't rely on it to continue, a baby is not a dependable person. Tonight we might be back to 2 hour sleeping bursts. So I can't even share my joy from getting 2 nights sleep! Once I utter it to another person I know the baby gods will smite me down and poke N every 2 hours to wake us!

Today...

I bought new shoes. My husband took over the morning shift, I went and sent off our wedding thank you cards, just under the etiquette limit of 1 year! had a Starbucks, changed some clothes and bought new satin wedge sparkly shoes!
They really cheered me up, as did the 3.5 hours of peace. N and the husband get on so well, the husband soothes him so much. N started gurgling and cooing, it's very cute. He also slept for 6.5 hours last night, it was bliss, we've had a messed up day feed wise so I know he'll be up in the middle of the night tonight.
Noone talks about the emotions and despair of the first few weeks, people talk about the depression, but what about the people who just feel down, overwhelmed and slightly resentful about losing their old lifestyle. It's not bad to feel like that, you are basically mourning a relationship, it takes a good while to transition from your old life to your new brand spanking new life.

It's the screaming......

.......when you've fed, winded, changed them, there's nothing wrong but still with the screaming, and of course neither of you can tell the other what's wrong. Then he's an angel when other people are up, and tell you how lucky you are. Then when you point out he's not the best when youre alone you're told " ah sure everyone feels like its like that when they're alone, you're really lucky though he's so good"! It's all that that makes a normal day a shit day.

Lesson of the day!

Always make sure your sons tackle is pointing down when you change their nappy, otherwise you will get peed on!

Nice.....

So I'm bottle feeding and expressing too. I would have loved to breast feed exclusively but down to health issues I can't. So I'm attaching mysel to my "milker" oooppppsss pump 4-5 times a day. Today I was out shopping so only got to do it this morning and then this evening. The husband pointed out that I'd managed to leak through my bra , my padded bra! What was worse I brushed him off with a flippant "oh no that's grand, it's sweat...". Jesus I don't know what was worse, the fact I was fine with sweating like a pig or the fact he was so nonchalant about the huge breast milk stain.

Do your research.

So sitting here with a baby shape snuggled peacefully to my chest, looking like one of those glowing fake mothers in the hospital book. You probably wouldn't believe that yesterday afternoon I was a snivelling mess. I just wanted N to stop crying, actually I just wanted not to be in the same room or house as N. I wanted someone to take him and tell me I wasn't useless, this wasn't something I could control. I also fleeting thought of adoption, but unfortunately the husband said no, no family wants a snivelling leaking 33 year old.
I can completely understand why people have to walk away from their screaming child, and that scares me.
I'm scared I'm not maternal enough, I'm scared I'm not keeping N happy, I'm scared I'm not stimulating him enough. I'm also scared someone else would do a better job then I can. Turns out perfectionists make scared mothers, I'm a big believer in lists and research, so before I do anything I research it to the nth degree, so I know what I'm getting into. Unfortunately all the books and lists in the world do not help soothe a crying baby.

The Begining.......

No one warns you how hard it is those first few weeks after having a baby, oh they warn you, but they don't WARN you. Every warning handed out is softened with a "oh but it's all worth it", it is not worth it in the middle of a hot July night, when you wake up thinking "am I leaking again, or just sweating?".
N is 4 weeks old now and it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Everytime I think I've got some baby related task down pat, he decides to shake it up again, just to keep me on my toes! Every feed is a battle, every winding is a war, every nappy change is a wrestling match.
Thankfully I have a lot of support, my family are quite close and pop up nearly everyday to offer to mind N while I grab a nap, unfortunately my brain will not cooperate and turn off. Right now my husband has N out for a walk, just to give me a break, today has been a tough one, hopefully he comes back asleep, is it wrong to wish for that?