Development

Nates antibiotic seems to have cleared up the infection. We had our 11 week check-up (had an 11 week check-up, down to the Dr. thinking N's head was too large) and this Dr. (we have a new one at every visit) was actually the Dr. who discharged N from hospital said his head was absolutely fine. She couldn't understand why we were brought back.....bbbbuuuuttttt.... She would like to see us again in 2 months as N was being particularly stubborn that day and he refused to lift his head when placed on his belly. He did a spectacular show of lying there screaming, and when the didn't get him picked up he decided to attempt to suffocate himself. God job son! I knew I could count on you!

I am a new person!

I actually got my hair cut and coloured, it's light, shiny and swishy! N is also sleeping every night and has started cooing and giggling. He is turning into an amazing little man.
We've gone to 2 baby massage classes, they are fabulous for calming him down and his colicky tendencies are slowly disappearing. He is an absolute devil for fighting sleep during the day, but if that means he will sleep at night, well that's a trade off I'm willing to take.
Kettlebells was fun last week, having an hour or so to myself was really nice, and I missed actually doing proper exercise while pregnant.
I'm considering making a complaint about the way my delivery was handled, I'm going to talk to my GP this week, the more people who hear the story, the more I'm convinced myself and Nate are lucky to be here.

The worry, the guilt.

N has a little issue that needs to be monitored by the hospital. Nothing major, we just need appointments every 6 months to "see how it gets on....".  Hospitals are horrible places, children's hospitals are just awful. It's heartbreaking seeing teeny tiny people with problems only  adults should have, they can't understand what's wrong with them and can't tell anyone what's wrong.
When there's anything wrong with your child the worry and guilt it can conjure up is unreal. I had a short cord which caused N to be stuck in one position and that caused the problem. So of course I feel guilty about that, guilty that I didn't happen to notice what every medical professional had already missed. The guilt is coupled with the worry, worrying that it will hinder his eating and speech development, it took us 2 days to get him to feed from a bottle, don't even ask about breastfeeding (that's a whole other post). It doesn't make it any better that no one can answer our questions, it's all a question of wait and see, so well just wait patiently with our fingers crossed.

Bliss!!!!

2 nights of sleeping 11-7:30am, absolute bliss. Only problem with this development is the fact we can't rely on it to continue, a baby is not a dependable person. Tonight we might be back to 2 hour sleeping bursts. So I can't even share my joy from getting 2 nights sleep! Once I utter it to another person I know the baby gods will smite me down and poke N every 2 hours to wake us!

Do your research.

So sitting here with a baby shape snuggled peacefully to my chest, looking like one of those glowing fake mothers in the hospital book. You probably wouldn't believe that yesterday afternoon I was a snivelling mess. I just wanted N to stop crying, actually I just wanted not to be in the same room or house as N. I wanted someone to take him and tell me I wasn't useless, this wasn't something I could control. I also fleeting thought of adoption, but unfortunately the husband said no, no family wants a snivelling leaking 33 year old.
I can completely understand why people have to walk away from their screaming child, and that scares me.
I'm scared I'm not maternal enough, I'm scared I'm not keeping N happy, I'm scared I'm not stimulating him enough. I'm also scared someone else would do a better job then I can. Turns out perfectionists make scared mothers, I'm a big believer in lists and research, so before I do anything I research it to the nth degree, so I know what I'm getting into. Unfortunately all the books and lists in the world do not help soothe a crying baby.