Normal service resumes...

So to preserve my sanity and so I didn't bore the world with our never ending quest for sleep, I stepped away from this blog for a while. Long story short, Nate has not slept more than 5 hours straight since December 2012. Actually in fairness he has, about 3 times.
I'm not going to lie, it's been hell. I returned to work in a hazy dream like state, and we slowly plodded through life trying anything to gab a couple of hours sleep here and there. Fingers crossed Nate has slept through the night more or less for the last week. So I'm hoping we will all start enjoying life again!

Ahoy there!

So, I've been absent for a while. It's been a tough few months. N has stopped sleeping, we've been to hell and back. Tried everything and anything. Changed formulas numerous times, even had blood tests. Finally figured out my homemade fruit purée mix seemed to be upsetting his stomach. So now were down to sleeping from about 8/9-1/2 awake for an hour when one of us goes into him to co sleep then sleeping till 7. So we're getting there, slowly. I won't lie there are days I couldn't see an end in sight, days I just wanted to walk away, have some time where I'm not "on". Like I said were slowly getting there....I've only 2ish months left at home and I'm dreading going back to work. I just can't see how there are enough hours in the day! N now crystal after hub in the mornings so I'm dreading leaving him.
We have 2 teeth and a head full of eczema/really bad dry scalp, N scratches constantly so he's sporting some funky arm socks at night. Again we've tried silcocks base, moogoo, coconut oil, Elave, Aveeno, Dentinox, and were trying Capasal shampoo tomorrow. Since the scratching causes Nate to wake himself up, I'm hoping we can curb it ASAP.
I bought myself a Madame Googoo and I've started carrying N a lot, I love the closeness and how easy it is out shopping. So hopefully N will go to his first Leinster game in 2 weeks in the carrier.
No matter how hard it everything is though I just look at this and melt.

Big boy.

A big boy needs a big boy cot! We've moved N into his cot in our room, he was getting too big for the crib and sticking his hands out the sides. He looks so tiny in it, but he loves it, and it feels so much more comfortable then the crib.

We've also hit the teething mark, lots of hand chewing, dribbling and sticking his hand so far down his throat he makes himself puke, it has been joked since he's only 3ish months and is too big for penneys 3-6 month clothes that N maybe airing his bulimic demons.

I think I'm going to give up the pumping, it's just getting soul destroying, I feel like a zombie most days and having to stay up as late as I can to get good output is just tiring.  Since we'll be introducing solids in 2 weeks  I don't think I'll be ale to pump and purée at the same time, it just feels natural to hang up the pump.

17 weeks! I honestly don't know where the time has gone, it just feels like yesterday I stumbled in hungover to take a test, I had no inkling I was pregnant and of course when the line appeared I mentally started admonishing myself for being out the night before, but how could I have known.

I will remember the  21st of November 2011 as one of the best days of my life!

I am a new person!

I actually got my hair cut and coloured, it's light, shiny and swishy! N is also sleeping every night and has started cooing and giggling. He is turning into an amazing little man.
We've gone to 2 baby massage classes, they are fabulous for calming him down and his colicky tendencies are slowly disappearing. He is an absolute devil for fighting sleep during the day, but if that means he will sleep at night, well that's a trade off I'm willing to take.
Kettlebells was fun last week, having an hour or so to myself was really nice, and I missed actually doing proper exercise while pregnant.
I'm considering making a complaint about the way my delivery was handled, I'm going to talk to my GP this week, the more people who hear the story, the more I'm convinced myself and Nate are lucky to be here.

The breakthrough

I have no idea how we've done it, in fairness I think N did it all himself, but he's sleeping from around 11/12 to 6/7. It's an absolute revelation, I feel human again, doing the dishes doesn't make me cry anymore, the thought of physical movement doesn't scare me and the blinding headaches are now few and far apart.
I've joined a baby massage class, I'm starting a kettlebells class next week and I'm actually going out and getting my hair done next week.
It's also my birthday tomorrow, it really doesn't feel like it, it's a non-birthday though, I really don't feel like doing anything.

The worry, the guilt.

N has a little issue that needs to be monitored by the hospital. Nothing major, we just need appointments every 6 months to "see how it gets on....".  Hospitals are horrible places, children's hospitals are just awful. It's heartbreaking seeing teeny tiny people with problems only  adults should have, they can't understand what's wrong with them and can't tell anyone what's wrong.
When there's anything wrong with your child the worry and guilt it can conjure up is unreal. I had a short cord which caused N to be stuck in one position and that caused the problem. So of course I feel guilty about that, guilty that I didn't happen to notice what every medical professional had already missed. The guilt is coupled with the worry, worrying that it will hinder his eating and speech development, it took us 2 days to get him to feed from a bottle, don't even ask about breastfeeding (that's a whole other post). It doesn't make it any better that no one can answer our questions, it's all a question of wait and see, so well just wait patiently with our fingers crossed.

Bliss!!!!

2 nights of sleeping 11-7:30am, absolute bliss. Only problem with this development is the fact we can't rely on it to continue, a baby is not a dependable person. Tonight we might be back to 2 hour sleeping bursts. So I can't even share my joy from getting 2 nights sleep! Once I utter it to another person I know the baby gods will smite me down and poke N every 2 hours to wake us!

It's the screaming......

.......when you've fed, winded, changed them, there's nothing wrong but still with the screaming, and of course neither of you can tell the other what's wrong. Then he's an angel when other people are up, and tell you how lucky you are. Then when you point out he's not the best when youre alone you're told " ah sure everyone feels like its like that when they're alone, you're really lucky though he's so good"! It's all that that makes a normal day a shit day.

Do your research.

So sitting here with a baby shape snuggled peacefully to my chest, looking like one of those glowing fake mothers in the hospital book. You probably wouldn't believe that yesterday afternoon I was a snivelling mess. I just wanted N to stop crying, actually I just wanted not to be in the same room or house as N. I wanted someone to take him and tell me I wasn't useless, this wasn't something I could control. I also fleeting thought of adoption, but unfortunately the husband said no, no family wants a snivelling leaking 33 year old.
I can completely understand why people have to walk away from their screaming child, and that scares me.
I'm scared I'm not maternal enough, I'm scared I'm not keeping N happy, I'm scared I'm not stimulating him enough. I'm also scared someone else would do a better job then I can. Turns out perfectionists make scared mothers, I'm a big believer in lists and research, so before I do anything I research it to the nth degree, so I know what I'm getting into. Unfortunately all the books and lists in the world do not help soothe a crying baby.